"Taxing" (The Ballad of Barry Bonds)

In loving memory of Harry Chapin, sung by Barry Bonds.

It was rainin' hard in Frisco,
I needed one more homer to make my night
a closer with a big head knocked me down
with a four-seamer that was high and tight.

I said, "What are you goin' to do, Man in Blue?"
It's a shame I got my uniform dirty in the game."
He said "Get back in there Michelin Man."
I said, "I'm goin' to the Hall of Fame."

Something about this was familiar
I could swear I'd seen this busher's face before
But he said, "Why are you always taking?"
He didn't say anything more.

It took a while, but the writers caught up with me
Annoyed at how I had changed the game.
Smiles seemed to come to them slowly.
They were sad smiles just the same.
And they said, "Why'd you do it, Barry?"
And I said, "All that isn't true."
Through the too many hits
And too frequent fits,
I'll still bedevil you."

It was somewhere in a fairy tale
They say I got a lot of my strength out of a jar
That I learned about power out back behind a gym
They said the lesson had gone too far.
You see, I was gonna be a Hall of Famer
They were supposed to write about my thrills
I took off for Cooperstown
They suggested that I was taking pills.

Oh, I've got something inside me,
to make a smaller man lame
There's a wild man, wizard,
He's hiding in me, improving my game.
Oh, I've got something inside me,
Not what my life's about
Cause I've been letting my trainer guide me,
Until my time runs out.

Barry's so big that he's skying
Yes he's flying, afraid to fall.
I'll tell you why Barry's crying,
Cause his career's dying, aren't they all?

There's not much more for them to talk about.
Whatever I had once was gored.
So I turned my career into the disabled list,
Past the writers and the bright scoreboards.
And they said, "we must get together,"
But I knew we never would amidst the strife.
They gave me golf claps when
I deserved thunderous applause and said,
"Hey Barry, get a life."
Well another player might have been angry,
another player might have lashed out.
But another player might have actually cared,
I don't pause to listen to what they shout.

And the fans walked away in silence.
It's strange, how you never know.
But we'd both gotten what we'd asked for,
Such a long, long time ago.

You see I was gonna be a Hall of Famer
And they were gonna talk about my thrills
I took off to find the record books
They suggested that I was taking pills.
And here, they're acting happy,
Those pathetic, little gnomes
And me, I find this all so taxing,
Getting hit by sticks, and by stones.
I go into hiding so far, when I see the gnomes.