You Know Your Hometown Baseball Team is in Trouble When

10. The leadoff hitter likes to swing at the first pitch and thinks that "walk" is what pitchers do to cool down after they get their running in.

9. The reserve infielder makes Mario Mendoza (he of the famous "Mendoza Line") look like Jeff Kent.

8. Most of the rest of baseball (okay, so maybe not the Tigers) views your RF as a valuable trade acquisition, whereas you give him all of the due that was given Von Hayes when he was in his prime.

7. The fans find a soulmate in a 35 year-old career back-up catcher with a funky 'do.

6. When the GM is interviewed about the team's mid-season report card by friendly radio guys, he still sounds flustered, and all you remember is how many times he said "you know" (The Guiness folks asked for a tape of the chat) instead of coming away with anything of substance about the team's chances in the second half. Yes, he helped mold a few World Series winners, and, yes, he once was nicknamed "Stand Pat." Which guy my team got remains open to debate.

5. The skipper looks (and acts) too much like the Skipper from "Gilligan's Island" and is a walking advertisement for a cardiology practice.

4. Your corner outfielders (the RF listed above and this guy) have should have this traffic sign taped to their backs when playing the field. (And the CF should charge extra for the additional ground he has to cover as a result). The LF's backwards ballet that turned Khalil Greene's flyout into a double will not make people forget Coco Crisp's catch on David Wright in Fenway last week anytime soon.

3. The directions for use that come with your lefty and righty set-up men have a warning in bold that says, "Don't Use Near an Open Flame."

2. Your ace starting pitcher pops his wife upside the head in a public place and team ownership treats the incident the way baseball addressed concerns about steroid usage in the 1990's.

1. During a pitching change in a tie game, the fans start cheering for the local NFL team, even when football season is four months away.

Can you guess which team this is?

Now, of course, there have been a few bright spots, such as -- 1) the starting pitcher in question before he decided to imitate Mike Tyson, 2) the aging closer, who is pitching as well as, if not better than, the guy he replaced (last night notwithstanding) and 3) the right side of the infield, which is one of the best if not the best in the league. Fair enough, but it's not enough. Oh, yeah, the GM took some comfort in that the team, despite not playing well, is only about 5 games out of the wild card.

Remember the '51 Giants? The '61 Giants? The '04 Astros? Any teams in between that overcame difficult mid-season odds?

This team is not one of them.